Andrew caught a cold virus at the beginning of the week. He had a fever for 4 days and a fever rash for 2 days. Also, Owen's sinus issues have not gone away leaving him under the weather as well. And then there is me. Me, the person who claims to be a nurturer but when it gets tough, I get CRANKY! I can't handle everyone being sick and not being able to console them. I stayed at home with Andrew for 4 days and it was a hard 4 days. Nothing I did put Andrew in a good mood. He didn't want to eat, he didn't want to sleep, he didn't want to play, he didn't want to be held and all of that left a very confused mommy. I questioned all of my mothering skills and I questioned if I could handle being a stay at home mom. How could I not be getting this right? I also had work to worry with. I have missed 8 days of work since January because of Andrew being sick. How was I going to make it to December with already missing 8 days? The anxiety of all of this got to me over and over again. I had melt down after meld down and I am still not sure I am over it. Andrew thankfully is 100% and I am able to be a good mommy again to him. But I felt guilt like I have never felt before this past week. Sure, I feel guilty leaving him every day in the care of someone else. But the guilt, fear, and uneasiness I felt this past week was something I have NEVER experienced before.
I did not like the person I was last week and I don't know how to describe it. Being an Oprah fan, one of her motto's is "Live your best life"...well this past week made me question what my best life is. This little life crisis of mine has come out of the blue and I don't know how to move on from it.
To end on a positive note...enjoy the pictures of my 14 month old.
2 comments:
Erin,
I have totally been there! Luke has had the tummy bug 3 times in the past month. Not only is he difficult to comfort during that time, but I keep wondering what I am doing wrong and why he can't seem to get rid of it/keeps getting it. Even mounds of hand sanitizer and bleach doesn't seem to do the trick. I had a melt down over it a week ago when he started throwing up again on vacation. Sick babies are so tough : )
Don't be so hard on yourself. Regardless if you're a stay at home mom or a working mom, having sick babies at home is hard. Realize you are doing the best you can and learn from things you want to react, do differently for the next time. I always remind myself that being a great mom doesn't mean we have to be perfect. :)
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